As I See It ~ It is a Perfect Beautiful Butterfly
I was on a short walk today and spied this Tiger Swallow Tail Butterfly. It was so beautiful there sunning itself on the apple tree leaves. It seemed so relaxed and calm as it rested. It looked picturesque and the hints of lavender on the yellow and small marking of rufus color were very striking. I was so thankful I got to see this butterfly today, in the end for me it meant so much more than just another appealing photo shot.
When I took its picture I had no idea that it had part of its wing missing until I was cropping this picture. Part of the bottom left-wing is missing. I wondered if a bird had tried to get it. I too thought that others might need to take a second look to even see the damage or its loss as with me. I then thought about how some might see it as different or to some scarred or flawed (per se). There is no difference than when other species and too humans are disabled, it is not always noticeable unless you know them personally. (Too, it can be that the person living with the disability is the only one that sees them self as less than whole… a whole other story.)
I live in Chronic Pain, some days are harder than others, but I try to live my life as normal as possible. Most people have no idea what my life is like. It is something that I usually do not share… I would rather others see or know me as me and not the disabilities first.
I wondered when I noticed the loss on the butterflies’ wing if it had to compensate when flying… I know well what compensation is and how it affects so many other things. At times counterbalancing can end up becoming a domino effect that can cause other problems, so you walk softly and carry a big stick to beat yourself with, no… I just wanted to see if you were reading this and to show you no matter what I do still have my sense of humor. The one thing that I try is not to let my medical problems affect my life any more than they have to. I will admit I have some really good days and I too have bad days. I find pacing me is the best thing I can do for myself.
I was reading a blog the other day, the words were so mature and with such thought, this person with the words that spoke and elicited thoughts, reflection and inspiration lives with Chronic Pain too. I do not know why she has chronic pain… but I have learned pain is pain no matter what it is or who has it. Pain and disability do not discriminate. She made note that it hard to share with some the fact that you have medical problems. It too is hard to answer when someone who knows you asks how you are doing; you knowing (some) really do not want to hear about it. That I have found is true, but the other side of the coin is that it is not easy to share your imperfections’ and the pain that comes with them. Especially for perfectionists, a true ‘Type A’ personality tends to find it hard when you cannot correct the wrongs to make them right and too the guilt you feel when you cannot do as you use to do no matter how much you compensate and try.
I know well the ‘Type A’ personality personally, that would be me, it is hard for me to let people know that I live in Chronic Pain, but this persons words helped me to see that it is okay that others know, this butterfly seemed to say it’s okay if they can see the lost and it is okay because the losses do not make the person, the person was already made. This is my first step ~ my ‘outing of the pain’ I live with for most of you (99.9999%) that did not know. I hope you still see and think of me the way you did before knowing.
The only thing that most know is my absence at times… the cause you now know is pain and the fatigue and limitations at times that come with. When I describe how I do something one day and finish up the next, this is the reason. There are so many things I want to do and cannot and so many more that even after years I have not given up on or still at least try to do… but the main thing is that I do not like this leading me, or making me, I was already made… I may be slower or need to take a few days off… but what I do I need to do, and what I want to do I try to do, I have given up so much to date and I do not want any more losses.
Like the butterfly, I’ll take a rest sunning myself and when I can continue I will do what I can do of what I like to do, I can ask nothing more of myself. I have learned if you have to choose and can do only so much then go for the things that mean the most to you and that which gives you the most pleasure. Life is too short for anything less. Thank you M for you words of strength and thoughts….